So, I wound up following this link to “I Write Like,” a website that tells you who you write like. (Thanks to Edan Lepucki at The Millions for posting the link.) Anyway, according to the site, I apparently write like H.P. Lovecraft (based on this post) or Vladimir Nabokov (based on this post), instead of a barely literate TV junkie.
Ah well—it seemed like a promising site at first!
UPDATE: The creator of the site was interviewed at The Awl. Seems like a nice enough guy, so I hope he understands that I am not actually disappointed by the fact that his software failed to tell me that I suck at writing–I just enjoy mock-complaining.