A new job means building new habits and growing accustomed to new indignities. You just have to get used to it–and the process of getting used to things generally sucks.
I mean, I like where I am. There’s no problem on that score. But that doesn’t change the fact that I have to deal with a whole host of brand new pains in the ass, and I’m still in the callus-building stages of this new chapter in my life. It’s like losing weight, or getting fit: there are no shortcuts. Well, at least none that don’t result in grievous mental or bodily harm.
Speaking of mental calluses: A lot of what I’m dealing with has to do with adjusting my attitudes, and that’s a real bitch, considering my cognitive stubbornness. For example, I tend to think of the time between the moment I wake up in the morning, and the moment I return to my house at night as “lost,” or “stolen,” or “wasted.” That’s bad even when I’m only traveling 45 minutes to and from work every day, but my new commute is looooooooooooong. Seen from the perspective of my old attitude, I might as well be dead for 14 hours out of every weekday.
But life isn’t just the stuff that you want to do, it is, unfortunately, everything that happens to you, even the stuff that goes on when you leave your body for 14 hours everyday. However, trying to maintain a disassociated state for that long is grueling. You have to find little moments to be vulnerable, in secret, where you briefly allow the pain and misery touch your tender, quivering insides. And then you slap yourself in the face until you can’t feel it anymore, and then you’re ready to go back to work!
Life can be vibrant and exciting, if only you’re willing to let yourself experience it, even if you’d rather be buried alive.
Goddamn it. This is exactly the kind of stuff I need to stop thinking if this is going to work. I think there’s something wrong with me.