Soiled

Think your Valentine’s Day rage subsided? Try reading this long-ass post of people asking for advice on cleaning up their naughty, naughty post-sex stains, and just try not to hit someone.

Enough

Just once–just once!–it would be nice for an article about the female orgasm to not refer to Meg Ryan in that one scene from a hundred years ago.

Getting On Or Off?

“In a recent survey of 5000 Bicycling magazine readers, 50% of men and 58% of women said that—if pressed to choose between sex or bikes—they’d pick the bikes.” {Cyclists would rather ride a bike than have sex – Boing Boing}

I don’t know why people might be shocked by this. I used to ride a bike to get to school, to work, and to run errands. Meanwhile, sex never got me anywhere.

The Perfect Gift?

In the comment thread for this post about a survey that says most men aren’t threatened by vibrators, a rather large number of people state that they have either given and/or received vibrators as gifts. I think that’s just fine. (Mark me down as not threatened, I guess.) I think that people should be allowed to explore themselves and their partners and to experience pleasure in the privacy of their own homes, and sex toys are part of that. Also, I have never given anybody one as a gift.

Let me explain–

Magic Words

There are six things you can say to get “her” in the mood. Well, that’s a relief. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to lose 70 pounds and get my teeth fixed. Now the only problem I’ve got is to figure out who this “her” person is.

 

Just Say No To Cockshots

Fellas: Some things to think about before sending someone a picture of your dick. I swear to God, I’ll never understand people. But I especially will never understand dudes. (I know, I’m a dude. It doesn’t help.)

(Also, have you noticed that I’ve managed to post two “dirty” topics in a single day? Perhaps I’ve finally shaken off my puritanical upbringing… but I suspect it’s just an isolated anomaly I’m already dreading the search engine referral traffic for that last post.)

Reach Out And Tongue Someone

“If you think the idea of french kissing someone over the internet with a robotic tongue is kind of gross, go outside and enjoy your afternoon. For those of you still sitting here, The University of Electro-Communications in Tokyo has just what you’ve been looking for.” {From Robotic “Tongue” Lets You French Kiss Over The Internet – Slashdot}

It’s weird, but I’m having real trouble coming up with something funny to say about this. This might be it. This might finally be the thing that broke my brain.

Oh, Internet

The Great Fingering Debate at The Awl. Well, what else is a global communication infrastructure for? Also–no mention of the word “frigging”? (You know that’s what that word means, right?)

Morning Glory?

Jessa Crispin reviews Sex At Dawn:

“There’s nothing progressive about this totally old-fashioned idea that women’s sexuality is the victim of, and secondary to, men’s sexuality. You can unpack the baggage from agriculture, and hunting-gathering, to figure out a new way to move forward with relations between men and women. But only if you’re honest about the contents — good and bad.”

I’m glad to see that the love of this book is not as universal as I was starting to think. I’ve heard it being touted as an apologia for male philandering by some acquaintances, and I am immediately suspicious of any supposed authoritative source that seems to justify stuff that you want to do anyway. (See also any “study” that suggests that it’s okay to eat chocolate, drink alcohol, and have lots of sex.)

Watched: Futurama, “Proposition Infinity”

Recap:

From watching a news report about a prolific graffiti artist plaguing New New York City (surely this sort of thing is big news), we cut to—who else—Bender, manically tiling his face all over town, in flagrante graffito, as it were. We are thankfully spared any explanation for this behavior, which would have taken time away from the jokes, but it all ends in violence when Bender tags a cop’s ass, leading to his beating and arrest.

He places a phone call to Amy, the only character on the series with both a soft heart and hard cash, and orders her to come bail him out. Even though she’s in the midst of a long argument with her wimpy boyfriend Kif, they decide to take a break and head down to the police station to spring their metallic pal, during which time we learn that Amy’s got a wandering eye (and tattoo). Also, we learn that she likes bad-boys and relentlessly flirts with them, even during hostage situations. Kif, for the second time in series history, proves that he’s got a pair of whatever the relevant genitalia for his species is, and dumps Amy.

Later (one assumes), Bender, Fry, and Leela take Amy out for drinks in an attempt to commiserate with her newfound singleness, and Bender is—as usual—kind of an asshole. Cut to Bender and Amy, post-coitus.

They resolve to keep their forbidden love a secret, but of course they are too dumb and horny to manage that for long, so during a field trip to a tornado strewn planet, they of course wind up making out in a glass tube while the rest of the crew stands agawp. (It, uh, makes more sense when you watch the show. A bay leaf figures prominently in the scene. Wait—that just makes it more confusing.)

Shock and horror! They’re robosexuals!

Well, actually everybody but the Professor is pretty okay with it, proving that people really can change. (Or maybe it’s just more acceptable when the people involved are hot.) However, just because one’s co-workers and friends are down, it doesn’t mean that the rest of society is. We briefly see the travails the young lovers must endure, but before long, Farnsworth drops a dime on the aforementioned preverts, and the next thing you know, Bender winds up at a gay robosexual rehab camp, and Amy’s parents get her ass to Mars.

Neither situation lasts very long: Bender’s stint at camp is a riff on the sweaty, boneriffic hypocrisy of the faith-based ungayification industry, while Amy’s temporary incarceration was merely structural, because they had to do something with her while the writers were busy scoring points against religious whack-jobs.

Bender and Amy decide to get married, but they can’t because it’s illegal. They decide to fight the system by supporting a ballot initiative (Proposition Infinity) that would legalize robosexual marriage, and during a pro-proposition rally we learn that all those conservatives who claimed that gay marriage would open the floodgates to government sanction of other unholy unions were right. (Ask Pat Robertson how he feels about ghosts and horses—he saw this coming.)

Things look grim for Proposition Infinity, but Bender and The Rest are putting their faith in the big televised debate with Professor Farnsworth. Bender makes an impassioned plea for his right to do the cyber-nasty with his girlfriend under the smugly nodding approval of the government, while Farnsworth kind of freaks out and has an emotional breakthrough. You see, his opposition to robosexual marriage has nothing to do with the political machinations of mega-church from out-of-state, but rather with the dissolution of his own long ago robosexual relationship. Farnsworth decides at the last minute to stop being an asshole, endorses the proposition, and it passes, glory hallelu.

And then they push the big red sit-com reset button, and that’s that.

Final Analysis:

Hey, this was a pretty good episode! 5 out of 5.